Never Alone

A fiery energy, trembling and benumbing, coursed in her veins. It was as if the whole winds of every arctic and pole were at that moment blowing in one fierce gale through her entire being. She was cold, but so benumbed by the tremors that she could not feel it. She was tired but the energy that caused her to stand there shaking like a wind-blown leaf allowed passage to no such understanding. Desperately she wished to break out of the trembling hold. To once again be master of herself and control what she might feel and do, but she could not. The agonizingly wearying and chilling waves continued to course through her very bones, hunching her frame and chattering her teeth. Slowly the cold hand of numbness wrapped itself around her heart and mind. She could not think now and could only feel as the misery of chill bade her. So that -

'Tears she shed yet knew not why

And wondered if 'twould be sweet to die.'

However, as she stood, blinking back miserable tears and striving desperately to control her breathing, a voice sounded out of the surrounding darkness.

“Aylindra?” it said, warm and gentle. She caught her breath and scrubbed at her tear-stained face and red eyes with grimy hands. He must not see her like this! She turned away from the voice and gave no answer even as her entire being screamed at her to turn back and call to him. Beg him to free her, to help her.

“Aylindra, are you there?” he spoke again and at the sound of his beloved voice she trembled. Shrinking back against the tree's trunk she stood, still as she could and held her breath, praying that he would pass by even as she begged God to let him help her. O, foolish and heart-striven child.

A tall, dark shadow strode into view and as he drew closer Aylindra could see his face illuminated in the yellow street light. How noble he looked, how strong and majestic, like a tower of guard or a beacon of safety. It took all her will to hold back from running to him. He stopped under the streetlight and looked around him, peering into the darkness on every side. One hand reached out to lay itself on the lamp-post, as if he were a sailor in a storm, clinging to the ship's mast and waiting for her to take his other out-reached hand.

“I know you are there, Aylindra,” he said, quietly, his warm voice rolling like a billow of peace through Aylindra's mind. For a brief moment she could think, could remember who she was and who he was. Could recall why she should go to him and realize how hurt he would be to not find her. But the moment came and passed like a half-dream upon the waking and Aylindra shrank further back against the tree. She bit her lip, willing him now with all her mind that she could think through, to pass by and leave her alone in her misery.

For what seemed like an eternity he stood there, tall and strong, beneath the lamp-light. At last, with a shake of his head and a small, sad sigh, he turned away and walked back the way he had come. As soon as he disappeared into the shadowy night Aylindra heaved a sigh of relief. The tremors still coursed through her, but after that stress of remaining unseen she was now too fatigued for them to trick her out of weariness. Slowly, she sank down against the tree-trunk and sat, knees drawn up to her chest and hood covering her head. Tears trickled out of her tightly shut eyes and stifled sobs shook her frame as she tried to remember his voice. To bring its calm back to her here. But he was not here and her mind too tripped and lost in a cold pain to bring any strong semblance into her mind's ear.

She remembered the way he had said her name and a small smile flickered across her features even as fresh tears streamed in hot cataracts from her eyes. Over and over she replayed the way he had said it. His tone and inflection, the accent of his voice and the gentle warmth therein. Slowly, very slowly, the tremors subsided and with a shaky sigh of relief she slumped back against the tree. Her mind was still numb, but something in the remembering had brought back and aura of his presence. She could almost feel him sitting beside her.

“Aylindra.”

A little half-shriek of surprise and her eyes flew open. She started and would have stood but gentle hands took her by the upper-arms and held her still.

“Aylindra, shhh, it's alright. You don't have to hide from me.” he said but she would not look up to meet his gaze. She knew then that she would lose all will to resist him, to make him leave her alone.

“No, no Sylvas,” she said, shaking her head as the tremors returned, “Leave me alone. I don't need your help. Please, please just leave me alone.” and a sob shook her.

He did not leave but there was silence. A short sigh and he lowered himself to sit cross-legged before her. He did not release her arms. The breath of his sigh blew down, warm and sweet, into Aylindra's face. Shakily she inhaled it, relishing the scent of his breath.

“Aylindra,” he said her name again and she flinched as if from a blow, “Let me help you. Please? Aylindra, tell me what's wrong.”

Again she shook her head and bit her lip to keep silent. His hands trailed down her arms and slid over her hands. Taking both of her trembling hands into one of his own Sylvas held them, as carefully as if he thought a mere touch might break them. With his free hand he lifted her chin. At his touch the tremors subsided even further and clouds of numbness began clearing in Aylindra's mind. Perhaps he could help her?

He spoke again, gazing searchingly into her blood-shot eyes, “Aylindra, what's wrong? Please tell me.”

“I-” she began and a catch in her voice stopped her short. He nodded as if he already understood. The confidence and compassion in his eyes gave Aylindra courage.

“I'm just s-so lonely. I-” again the catch and she coughed before continuing, “I don't know. I-I guess I'm just scared. Everything is so new and strange. I don't know what to do or where to go or who to trust.” and a miserable sob shook her shoulders, sending fresh tears to pour out of her eyes, “I don't know.” she finished in a low whisper, shaking her head and crying.

Sylvas nodded again, as if the whole thing made perfect sense and shifting his position, took her in his arms. Such weariness of body and spirit encompassed her that Aylindra had not longer any will to resist. She leant into his embrace, burying her tear-streaked face in his chest as if she could hide there from everything, from everyone, from the whole world.

“I know, I know it's hard,” he murmured, rubbing her back and rocking, “New places and people. The strange things they do and say. How everyone seems to know what they're doing and think you should know at the same time but you don't.”

She nodded, sobbing still, and pressed closer to him, trembling a little as he named the pains and fears she had been enduring.

“You feel like you're completely alone in the whole world. Like as if no one on earth can understand you anymore and you can't understand anybody.” he continued then bent his head down so that his mouth was close to her ear.

“Aylindra, that's what you feel like, and I understand because it's what I felt like at first too. You don't have to be afraid of it. I know it seems like an eternity, but everything will pass. Soon, you'll look back and wonder why you were ever scared in the first place. But while you're here,” and he hugged her closer, “Just remember this: you're not alone. You're never alone. I am here, I have been here and I will always be here for you. You can trust me. You're safe and everything is going to be alright.”

Aylindra nodded, this time tears of joy streaming from her eyes.

“OK,” she whispered and looked up into his face, “I'll remember.”

And she was rewarded in such a way as made her heart leap and confidence flame up again. He smiled and everything - past, present and far into the unforeseeable future - seemed bright and clear. She had a friend, that was all she needed.

“Come on,” he said, gesturing towards the nearby Student Lounge with his head, “I want you to meet some of my friends.”

For a split second she paused, uncertainly. Then, with an answering smile, she took his hand and he helped her stand.

“OK,” she said.

He threw his coat around her rain-drenched shoulders and wrapping one arm around her guided Aylindra out from under the tree, back onto the side-walk. A cool, gentle wind stirred the lamp-lit leaves as two figures walked down the sidewalk, stepping through a brightly-lit doorway and out of the night.